Happy Families
by Skitts
Summary: Roxas always thought he was far too male to have kids, and goodness knows how many biology lessons seemed to agree. So where the hell does this blonde-haired little girl come into it, and why was Axel saying she was their kid? :Akuroku:
1. Triangles, Squares & Dodecahedrons

**Happy Families  
**Chapter One  
_Triangles, Squares & Dodecahedrons_

* * *

"Guess what, Roxas?"

Roxas grunted in response, tipping his spoon over in mid-air and watching the milk drip slowly back into his bowl. The blond hated guessing games.

Come to think of it, the blond hated a hell of a lot of other things as well. The red-head that had initiated the aforementioned guessing game was pretty high on that list along with warm milk, bent spoons, school uniforms, missing eyeliner and that hazy early-morning time somewhere between six and seven a.m.

It was just too bad for Roxas that every single one of those things were present in that breakfast scene.

Maybe if Axel suddenly dropped dead into Roxas' bowl of cornflakes and M&Ms he could forgive the other minor annoyances, but no. Sadly, the red head was still very much alive and kicking.

_Always has to foil my plans… Damn Axel_, Roxas thought darkly.

"Come on, Roxie," Axel continued, not deterred in the slightest by Roxas' caveman-like grunting. "You've gotta guess… You've gotta go… Hmn… Roxas, ask me if Kairi was the one who stole your eyeliner! That's a guess!"

Roxas looked up from his bowl of breakfast cereals and chocolate-coated candies, blue eyes narrowed.

"Axel, how do you know about my eyeliner?"

"Um… Well…"

"Axel, did you steal my eyeliner?"

"Uh… Thing about that is… Yeah, s'like this …"

"Axel, you have three seconds."

"Roxasssss, I thought we were _friends_," Axel whimpered, bottom lip wobbling slightly. He looked exactly like Naminé did (albeit a little taller, skinner, older and male….r) whenever she caught one of the younger kids drawing in her sketchbook or posting her crayons, one by one, into the video player.

"Then you're obviously delusional. Three…"

"Roxas, how could you be so _cruel_! I was gonna give it back, I swear!" the teenager pleaded, newly-lined green eyes widening. The sudden realisation that the boy had also used Roxas' precious make-up to doodle twin triangles underneath each eye only enraged the blond more.

"Yeah, you were gonna give it back, I'm sure. _After you_ _used it all up_! What's it gonna be tomorrow? Squares? Dodecahedrons?" Roxas breathed in sharply. "You're on two now."

"But Roxie-"

"I hate that name."

"Even more than pineapple head?"

"Three."

"Roxasss-"

"I think I'm gonna have to pummel your face in now," the boy replied coolly, rolling the sleeves of his school shirt up above his elbows.

Axel backed away in alarm, noting from Roxas' expression and his clenched teeth that was it serious ass-kicking time.

"Roxas! Wait!" Axel cried, backing away into the china cabinet and holding his hands above his face, making a cross with his two index fingers. He'd been on the receiving of one of Roxas' hissy fits before and broken bones hurt a lot. "Don't hurt me!"

"I'm not a vampire and I sure as hell ain't putting my lips anywhere near your neck. I'm going to put my _fingers_ around it first and then I'm going to twist and twist until it snaps and then I'm going to break your arm in seven places and wrestle my eyeliner from your dead corpse."

"Uh… There's one problem with that plan, actually," Axel laughed nervously. "I sorta… Uh… Traded it with Kairi this morning for a pop tart."

"You did what?!"

"It was a _good _pop tart!"

Roxas' eyes narrowed into little more than slits.

"Goodbye, Axel. I'm sorry it had to end this way."

And then he pounced.

Axel winced as his head smacked back into the damned china cabinet with an ominous crack, the lapful of cute blond boy hitting and kicking and biting and scratching at every square inch of his skin, intent on bringing about his doom.

"No! Roxas! You can't!" the red-head cried as a fist met his face and a trainer'd foot slammed onto his own de-shoed and de-socked one.

Broken toes hurt a lot.

Axel breathed in, lungs seeming to be filled with pins and needles as he shouted, in broken defeat, "Stop! Think of our children!"

Roxas paused, eyeing the red-head with murderous intent, fingers still lost in his mass of crimson spikes. "_What_?"

"Heheh…" Axel laughed nervously, looking Roxas full-on in the eyes. "Surprise?"

* * *

**a.n: yes, steal roxas' eyeliner & die. poor axel. sooo this fic is dedicated to the wonderful ****lamatikah**** who wanted me to write an akuroku (not necessarily this fic though xD) & i hope you stick around for chapter two – that's when **_**everything **_**is explained, like why roxas eats m&ms with his cornflakes ;D there is a reason.**

**skitts xxx**


	2. Roxal?

**Happy Families  
**Chapter Two  
_Roxal?_

* * *

Nobody could ever call the residents of 16, Destai Drive normal. In actual fact, they were _far_ from it.

Never a day was quiet in that falling-down house, as their irate and elderly neighbours were only too eager to point out. There was always _something _going on behind those tumbledown walls, from the mad get-up-get-dressed-get-food-get-to-school rush that took place every morning to the equally wild and rambunctious get-home-get-changed-get-food-get-TV-remote-get-Zexion-to-do-all-your-homework routine that occurred in the evenings.

Of course, that was only when school was on - in the holidays it was even _worse_. People could be coming and going from that house at absolutely any point at all within a 24 hour day, oftentimes being rather loud and messy as they did so.

When it wasn't the older kids – Kairi, Axel, Zexion, Sora and Roxas – going out late and coming back in the early a.m.s it was the younger kids – Tidus, Wakka and Selphie – messing about outside, sawing open holes in the neighbours' picket fences, waiting on the kerb for the ice-cream truck or playing vicious games of Blitzball.

(Somewhere amidst all that noise and chaos there was also little seven-year-old Naminé, but as she was so small and sweet it was easy to forget about her and, quite sadly, most people did.)

Still, despite the wide gap in age and the extreme personalities, everybody seemed to get on pretty well. Sure it was disorganised and chaotic and there wasn't a single piece of crockery in the house that wasn't chipped, smashed or broken but, somehow, it all _worked_. Maybe not seamlessly, but it all fit together like a jigsaw puzzle. Some of the pieces may have been gnawed a little, yes, and maybe you had to give them a real good thump before they'd stick together, but you always ended up with the full picture.

It didn't matter that Kairi's skirt had always been a little too short or that Roxas had problems controlling his fists and couldn't get to sleep at night or that Selphie had probably been dropped on her head at birth.

It didn't matter that every single kid in that house had _some _sort of problem.

It didn't matter that they were all parentless (or, if they weren't, they just hadn't been wanted. Left in dustbins, cardboard boxes or anything that happened to be handy in the street – it had happened to at least half of them.)

It didn't matter that, back in their old care homes, they had been labelled the 'rejects' – the kids nobody would ever want – and shoved into corners like broken dolls with all the dust and spider webs.

It didn't matter in the slightest because Aerith had wanted them even when nobody else had and Aerith was probably the most kind-hearted woman one could ever imagine.

It didn't matter because, despite all their faults and failings, they were still one big, happy, family.

Of course, that had all been _before_ Roxas smashed Axel's face into the china cabinet. That had all been _before_ Axel declared he and Roxas had a baby. And had all been _before_ Axel, for one of the first times in his life, had actually told the truth.

"You know what," Roxas glared at the red-head, "you pick the shittiest times ever to be honest."

"I know," Axel grinned, seeming not at all fazed by the fact he was probably missing a few brain cells due to his encounter with the blond boy over the eyeliner all of five minutes ago. "Happy?"

"I'd be happier if you were dead."

"Wouldn't we all?"

"Ooh!" Kairi squealed suddenly, her violet-blue eyes seeming as large as dinner plates. It was slightly disconcerting, especially when coupled with a sooty black layer of eyeliner about three inches thick that stretched from the corners of each eye and tapered off at the ends into spirals.

Roxas grunted as he observed the squealy bundle of hormones before him, wondering what she used to put her make-up on. A _shovel_? Obviously she'd been taking lessons from Axel.

"Isn't she _cute_?" Kairi continued, patting the vision of blonde curls, plaits and un-even ponytails before her.

The vision of up-most innocence grinned back at the girl angelically, revealing a gap where one of her top front teeth should have been.

"Roxas, don't you think she's cute?"

"I… Uh… Well…" Roxas muttered, tip-toeing around the question. It would be so like Kairi to slit his throat and sacrifice his blood to her evil gods if he dared disagree with her over the bouncing baby brat's 'cuteness'.

Truth be told, that girl's large green eyes were sort of freaking him out.

"Axel, don't you think she's cute?"

"Yeah! Damn right she's cute. She's our kid," Axel declared proudly, slinging one arm around Roxas. "She's got genes from the best of the best, the crème de la crème, the top of the pa-"

"Don't touch me," Roxas hissed, grabbing Axel's useless fleshy sack of an arm and throwing it away like it was an sea salt ice-cream wrapper. "If you _dare_ do that again I'm going to remove that limb personally and hang it on my wall."

"Look at her, Roxas," Axel persisted, folding his lean legs up underneath him so he was squatting before the child. "She's got my green eyes and your beautiful blonde ha-"

"Axel, in case you haven't noticed, I'm a _boy_. We're _both __boys_ – although sometimes I have my doubts when it comes to you. But the point remains that neither of us have female reproductive organs and, henceforth, lack the ability to conceive. Now stop screwing over biology and leave me alone."

"But Aerith told us to look after her!" Axel replied, patting the girl on her sunshine-coloured head. "Hmn… She needs a name… What about… Roxal?"

"Roxal?" asked the blond, one eyebrow raised.

"Yeah! It's our two names strung together, see, 'cause she's _our _kid. Roxas and Axel. Roxal. Perfectly logical!"

"Axel, you are _incapable _of logical thought."

"Then can you call her Kaiora?!" Kairi asked, her voice getting high pitched and squeaky in her excitement. "I've always wanted a kid named after me!"

"Kaiora? Is that like you and Sora?" asked Naminé shyly from the corridor, dressed in her way-too-baggy and slightly burnt school uniform, white sleeves rolled over several times at the bottom to stop them swamping her wrists.

"What? You like Sora?! My God, you could catch the amount of brain cells he has in a thimble!" Axel snorted, grinning maliciously.

Kairi's face flushed a delicate rose-petal pink. "No… Um… I don't like Sora of course I don't stupid girl. We'll call her Naminora instead, see? That's how much I totally one hundred percent _don't _like Sora! And who said anything about denial? Denail. Ain't just a river in Egypy, yanno? Oh my god, would you look at the time? I'm gonna miss Yuffie and she was like totally going to walk me to school. Bye, guys!"

"Kairi's a bad liar," Naminé muttered thoughtfully, biting into an apple that lay in her hands. The garish crimson was such a contrast to her pale, washed-out skin and bleach-blonde hair it was sort of disturbing.

"Psh. We can read her like a book, right?" Axel grinned.

"Hmn-hmn," Naminé agreed through a mouthful of apple, some juice starting to dribble down her chin. "School. Go. Bye."

"Bye, Nami. Love you! Don't get blown over by a gust of wind!" Axel cried after her as she left the building shortly after Kairi, still tearing chunks of flesh off her apple.

"Sooo… Roxas," Axel started again, turning to look at the blond full on in the baby blues. "Do _you _like the name Roxal? Or what about that Olette girl you're always hanging around with? Roxette? That's rather pretty. Or that Hayner kid? Rayner? Too seizure-sounding? Rence? Sounds sorta like wench. Reifer? Ha, you and Seifaaaawwwwwfuckinghellmy**face**!"

"Burn in hell, Axel," the blond boy growled, turning a neat 180 degrees in his unlaced trainers and marching out the door, slamming it in a very prima-donna like way behind him.

"Aw Jesus… That kid needs to work on his people skills," Axel groaned, picking himself up off the carpet and dusting himself down. "Hmn… What do you think about the name Roxal?"

The blonde girl, who'd watched on sadly as the tragedy reached its final act and the two star-crossed lovers were left with aching fists and back backs, frowned and shook her head.

"You don't like the name Roxal? What's _wrong _with you?" Axel dropped his voice, scooting in closer to the girl, still on his knees. He was well aware he was probably going to have to change his school trousers now – hadn't Selphie split a carton of cranberry juice on that very same carpet only yesterday? – but the excitement over having a daughter was just too great for him to care. "You're not all moody, are you? Not going turn out like your daddy, are you? He's sooo mean to me, you know. One could swear he doesn't return my immense feelings of adoration and _l'amour_."

The girl giggled and patted Axel on his head, fingers getting lost in his forest of red spikes. "Nooo," she reassured him in her lispy little-girl voice. "I likes the name Roxal, really I do's. 'Cept Roxal ain't the name the stork gave mehs."

"So what is your name, daughter oh dearest?" inquired Axel, tilting his head to one side.

"Amma called Rikku!" she declared proudly.

"And how old are you, Rikku?"

"Fouurrr years old, yep yeps," she said, holding up seven fingers. "Looksee? Four."

"Oh you're so adorable," Axel grinned, acting very much like Kairi had as he grabbed his 'daughter' and gave her a hug. "I'm Axel and I'm sixteen. That moody kid just there was Roxas. He's fifteen."

"Roxas is stoopid."

"You know what?"

"Wha?" asked Rikku, still fiddling about with Axel's red hair as if to see if she could locate a rift in the space-time continuum somewhere among all the spikes.

"I couldn't agree more. You and me are gonna get on like a house on fire, right?"

"Damn strawight."

* * *

**a.n: & more is explained. so yea, roxas' bizarre eating habits haven't been explained yet. maybe later…? anyway, i love all my reviewers. Much love & hearts to yazz :D**


	3. A Day in the Life of Roxas

**Happy Families**  
Chapter Three  
_A Day in the Life Of Roxas_

* * *

"Roxas?"

"Ngh?"

"Are you OK?"

"Mghmph."

"Those aren't even words."

"Ftt-mmphn?"

The boy boy finally managed to tear his eyes away from the riveting page of mathmatic formulae spread out before him, propping his heavy, sleep-deprived head up with one heavy, sleep-deprived arm.

His sky-blue eyes were immediately met with a large pair of gooey, chocolate-coloured ones. Yawning right in his friend's face (a thing that would have been considered rude if they hadn't known each other since they first started high school and thought throwing rocks at the hornet's nest by the science block was fun and not stupid) he pushed himself up on his elbow so he wasn't slumped forwards on his desk like a piece of roadkill.

"You don't look too good, Roxas," Olette said conceredly, moving away from her friend so her eyes didn't look as large as twin comets.

"Just need some caffeine from the vending machine. I'll be fine," Roxas reassured her in a thick voice all gummed-up with the fatigue one only gets after finding out they've just become a parent. Or maybe just an orphaned kid in a home for dysnfuctional youths who'd been assigned to look after a new addition to their family with an annoying red-head who had decided they were parents.

Axel was an ass.

Yes, it was all Axel's fault, just like it was all his fault they stopped selling those purple-flavoured ice lollies in the corner shop and the death of baby seals in the Arctic (or was it the Antarctic?) and global warming and the apocalypse.

"Have you been up late studying again?" asked Olette critcally, zeroing in on Roxas with those pieces of gooey melted chocolate fixed into her head.

"Um... Yeah... I guess." It was easier letting the brunette believe he was tired over Algebra notes and English essays and the like, not a cute little four-year-old called Rikku who liked red grum drops, _not _the green, could tie her own shoelaces and really thought Roxas made a good mummy (those were all things Rikku had told Axel, anyway).

Olette sighed, her breath ghosting over a few stray strands of her hair.

_She'll make a good parent one day_, Roxas thought lazily, _she already has that whole 'I'm-very-displeased-with-you' look down pat. And the sighing. And the head shaking. And the arm-folding and the tutting and the lip biting._

"I know you too well, Roxas. You can't study into the early a.m.s of the morning because you can't sleep and then expect to be perfectly A-OK in the morning after three hours of sleep if you mix M&Ms into your cereal. You can't run on maths and junk food."

"Yes, mother."

Olette grinned, ruffling Roxas' head like he was a cat. "Good boy."

Even though Roxas' voice had sounded prickly and cold when he replied, she knew it had only been because she'd hit the nail on the head there with her critical anaylsis of the blond. She knew full well he had troubles sleeping and could only drift off if he completely exhausted himself with quadratic formula. She knew he only got through the day if he had a chocolate bar or two on him, and she knew he mixed his cereal with whatever sugary happened to be lying around at the times - skittles, malteasers, chocolate buttons, M&Ms, it all went in. And it just _wasn't _healthy.

"But Olette," Roxas pouted, shaking her intrusive hands away from his beautiful pineapple head. "It's all very well and good for you to say 'shut up and sleep, bitch' but I _can't_. I really can't."

_And, _Roxas added on silently, _I didn't have my breakfast this morning because Axel kept distracting me. Stupid Axel... If I pass out on my desk I'm sooo going to kick his ass._

"Don't worry, Roxas. I'm sure it's just stress. When that stress is gone you'll be able to sleep, easy."

"Mphghm. Guess you're right," Roxas replied, bending down to scribble a few answers in his book.

_Stress. Stress like having to take care of a four year old girl with an annoying red-head who makes me want to hit things? Stress like living in a house where, if you put your eyeliner down for one damned second, it gets snatched away from you and sold for pop tarts? Stress like having to run on sugar and synthesisers knowing you can't live the way you are for much longer before you pass out and can't get back up again because it's so damned hard?_

_Oh, that's nothing. Just an average day in the life of Roxas for you._

* * *

"Mmnph. Tastes _good_," Roxas maoned as he sucked harder on the poor, abused little sea salt ice-cream clamped between his lips.

Kairi quirked an eyebrow at this, something that was a great feat considering she lived in an asylum and found it very hard to be surprised by anything anymore. In fact, if a pig had flown down the street in a superhero cape she wouldn't have batted an eyelid. Then again, Roxas making weird orgasm-y noises over an ice-cream and a flying pig were two very different things.

One was odd, the other was _very _odd and twisted and a tad screwy, pervy and fucked up to boot.

And produced a lot more of bad mental imagery.

Kairi shuddered.

"Geez, Roxas, get a room," she snorted, walking alongside the blond boy with her hands shoved into her skirt pockets.

"Mmmno."

"Don't 'mmmno' me. You damn well know what I'm talking about. God, you better finish that before you go inside or Axel will have a heart attack."

Roxas extracted the stick from his mouth, blue saliva stretching from his lips to the melting ice-cream. Yes, Kairi decided, she was _very _glad Axel was not around as they made their way up the driveway, side-stepping around battered toy trucks and legless dolls and broken skipping ropes that the younger kids had left chucked around the garden. Really it was amazing how Roxas turned something as innocent as eating an ice-cream into something that was likely to give Axel (and, even though she'd never admit it, Kairi herself) peverted thoughts that would last the next decade or so.

"Pft. _Axel_. Like he's ever home before midnight. Probably off with those trenchcoated friends he has, smoking weed in the park and kicking cans. Speaking of which, don't you usually have places to be after school as well?" Roxas' eyes narrowed suspiciously. "Why are you following me? You know full well I'm planning on hurting you for what you did this morning."

"OK, Roxas," Kairi said, holding her hands up. "One, I know you're not going to do jack about your eyeliner because you know full well I'm not as girly as Axel about the whole 'no violence' thing. I will kick your ass if needs be and I will win. And two, I thought it would be an act of kindness to warn you before you go in there that Axel is looking for you and he still wants to play mummies and daddies. Sweet Mother of Jesus, it's just not _fair_. Aerith only gave you and Axel that kid because she thought it'd bring you closer together," (here Kairi mashed her two index fingers together), "and stop you from breaking the china. But I'm _always_ good and I _always_ behave but do I ever get anything? Do I hell." Kairi sighed. "I'd make a much better parent than you."

"You and Sora, you mean?" asked Roxas sweetly with mock innocence. "Don't worry, I'm sure you'll get laid and end up a single mother in a trailer park before long, especially with that short skirt."

"Shut it, Blondie," hissed Kairi, tone dark, eyes dark, face dark, fists clenched, teeth gritted, eyes narrowed - hell, Jack the Ripper had nothing on a pissed off Kairi. "I'm not the one who's infatuated with a troll."

"I don't like Axel."

"Suurreee you don't. That's why you're always pinning him to walls and sitting in his lap a-"

"I don't like Axel."

Kairi pretended to take this nugget of information in, putting her fingers under her chin as if it sped up her deductive abilities.

"No, I don't suppose you do."

"Told you."

"Yeah, you love him instead. Now can I have a lick of your ice-cream?"

"What? This is _mine_!"

"And _this_ is mine," Kairi countered, holding up a fist, "and I will _not_ hesistate to use it. Now give a me a lick of your damn ice-cream."

"I thought you were on a diet."

"Yeah. Were. But now I see I was a fool to give up the simple pleasures of a sea salt ice-cream just to look good for a guy who doesn't know I'm alive. Now give me the fucking ice-cream before I smash your head in."

Roxas eyed Kairi up and down, judging that her skirt was rather too short to make any kicks at his upper body, but she still had her fists free. Damn... Better part with his ice-cream than his head.

"Here. Just take it," Roxas sighed, surrending his half-eaten treat to the red-head. "And you damn well know Sora likes you, just half the other boys on the planet, so don't fish for compliments. I'm not going to kiss your ass just to inflate your already planet-sized ego, Kairi."

"Oh! Squee!" Kairi squealed, taking the melting ice-cream with a truly angelic look passing across her face. "I love you, Roxie! Love you forever! Is there any way I could repay your kindness?"

"Well, you _could _give me my eyeliner b-"

"Don't push it, Shorty."

* * *

**a.n: yayyyyy. sugar stuff is explained. joy :D meh, kairi and roxas get along well really. it's that teasing love-to-hate-you relationship x3  
**


	4. Fuck You, Kairi!

**Happy Families**  
Chapter Four  
_Fuck you, Kairi!_

* * *

Roxas was naturally a very well-organised boy (example; he had never once had to borrow Kairi's underwear because he was unable to find any of his own, unlike _some_ people). His room was clean and organised and everything had a set place (example; he had never once found a burnt squirrel in the back of his wardrobe that had been festering there in it's own filth for about a month, unlike _some _people). He thought ahead constantly and always tried to stay at the top of his game (example; Axel was an idiot).

So of course, when Kairi had told him of the Mummies-and-Daddies situation and how it was all shaping up his logical, if slightly sleep-deprived brain had started to tick and tock and mull over facts and figures until, eventually, it came up with a plan.

A _foolproof_ plan.

A plan that went something like this; fling open the front door, run upstairs, get changed, grab my iPod (ah yes, that adorable mish-mash of gigabytes and megabytes and good music all wrapped up in hot pink casing and sold for the low, low price of 200 dollars. Screw Olette, who needed _her_ when you had the Chicago soundtrack to listen to?) and then charge back down the stairs, taking them five at time, yank open the front door again and then make a mad sprint for freedom.

In and out in roughly ten seconds.

Unfortunately, he hadn't counted on his phone going off as soon as he hit the mid-point of the hallway.

_Why oh _why _did I set it on 'loud'_, inner Roxas lamented in a melancholy manner as every single member of the house became aware of his presence. _Well, maybe if Axel hasn't heard me yet there's still a-_

"Jesse McCartney, Roxas?" asked the red-head with a raised eyebrow. "I'm ashamed. I thought you had taste."

Oh damnation and a day.

Roxas glared at Axel, watching as all his hopes of sneaking out (and his reputation to boot) were shot to hell seven times over.

'**I don't want another pre-tty face, I don't want just anyone to hold...**'

_I don't even _like _this stupid song! What's it doing on my phone?!_

'**I don't want my love to go to waste, I just want you and your beautiful sooooouuu-**'

Finally gathering up enough sense to hit the call button mid-way through the long, drawn-out single syllable, the song met it's swift demise as Roxas slammed the metal contraption against his ear violently.

"What?" he asked, none too kindly.

The light, floaty sound of female laughter met his ears.

That laugh was familiar...

The laugh of the she-devil.

Roxas spun around a neat 180 degrees in his unlaced sneakers and his large blue eyes instantly met those of Kairi's who was sat on the bottom stair-step with an ice-cream (his ice-cream), a Very Evil SmileÔ (one hundred percent guaranteed to make babies cry and flowers burst into bloody, pus-filled fires of eternal hell of your money back!) and a very pink and black cell phone.

"Ruined your escape, huh?" Kairi grinned, Roxas finding he no longer needed his phone pressed against his ear to tell what the girl was saying. He may not have been an expert lip-reader (or any sort of lip-reader, come to that) but the expression on the girl's face said it all plain as plain. It was a look that said '_Kairi: 1, Roxas: nil._' "Think of it as payback for what you said about me and trailer parks earlier. And Jesse McCartney? That's **way **gay, even for you, Roxanne. OK, have a nice day."

Roxas growled as he snapped his phone shut, stowing the traitorous piece of technology away in his pocket.

He didn't how, he didn't know why, he didn't know when, but what he did know was that Kairi was responsible for his new ring tone, just as she was responsible for smushing his brilliant escape plan like a strawberry. And, knowing those pieces of valuable information, Roxas would be responsible for the five broken ribs, two black eyes and one thumping headache Kairi was going to find herself with later.

Although...

Roxas tilted his head, watching a smirk of Pure Evil flicker across the girl's amused face.

No, he wasn't going to be hurting Kairi any time soon. Not if he didn't want to end up in an urn.

"...Jesse McCartney, Roxas?"

Hitting Axel would have to suffice for now.

**Thun-**

_-mphh._

"Huh?"

"Hahaha. Gotcha," Axel smirked, one hand wrapped firmly around Roxas' fist, keeping it well away from his pretty-boy face. "Speed kills, Roxas. Reflexes. Gotta work on 'em." He then proceeded to let go of the boy's hand, watching as it fell limply back to his side.

"I hate you _so _much."

"I know. That's why you were trying to avoid me." Here Axel sniffed a mock, 'OMG-TEH-DRAMA' sniff, a prize puppy-dog look upon his face that would've melted even the heart of an evil, German dictator. "Avoid me and your beautiful daughter, Roxas. _How could you_?!"

"Easily. Just watch and learn," Roxas stated, hoping he could still pick up the pieces of his once-great plan and rebuild. Maybe if he just walked away now he could still get out the front door... Sure, he'd have to leave his iPod behind, but in great wars soldiers had to be sacrificed so Roxas could save his own ass. Yes, that was a good moral to live by, and perhaps that moral would've gotten him safely down the street and half-way to Vegas if Aerith hadn't caught him mid-way through his famous disappearing act.

"Roxas," Aerith said in her calm, motherly voice.

_Oh shit... _Roxas thought darkly, the serene look on that pretty face being even scarier than the sadistic smirk so often plagued Kairi's.

"I really think," she continued, folding her arms.

_Whenever she does that it's never a good sign... Duck and cover, Roxas, duck and cover... Or... _His eyes moved wildly towards the front door, _I can inch past her and escape..._

"That we need," and there it was, right there, right there. She'd begun to shake her head.

_It's all over... Fucking hell, here it comes... Keep calm, keep calm, she can sense fear, she can_ smell _fear... Apathetic face, Roxas. Apathy will get you through this..._

"A little talk."

_Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!1!!11!!elventyone!!111_

"OK."

_You're a spineless man, Roxas. Should've run while you got the chance._

_**OK, note to brain; shut the fuck up.**_

_I love you too, Roxanne._

* * *

"Now, Roxas. I understand that you're... Hmn... Unhappy with my decision that you and Axel look after Rikku. Am I correct in assuming so?" Aerith asked, all the while methodically tearing open small packets of sugar with her manicured nails and emptying the contents out into a cup of coffee on her desk, building up a small mountain of sweet white badness in the dead-centre of the milky brown liquid.

"Um... Yeah, I guess," Roxas agreed, watching as the thirty-something-year-old woman folded up the empty packets of sugar and placed them in a neat pile to the right of her cup.

What Roxas wouldn't give for a sugar hit like that right about now...

"So why is this? It was to my understanding that you didn't get along very well with Axel - I thought you'd jump at the chance to get closer to him. Maybe to lay the groundwork for a friendship. Maybe to stop smashing my china when you get involved in one of your little fist-fights. I don't like my children to be unhappy and I most certainly do not like, or tolerate, violence," Aerith continued, now stirring her coffee around and around in an almost hypnotising manner with a small tea spoon.

Aerith, with all her pastel pink and tranquil smiles, was the sort of woman who could lull even a raging pit-bull into a state of complete and utter Zen. The way she spoke and dressed and acted were so calming Roxas felt his head get a tad woozy as his eyes inadvertently followed the movements of the spoon through the cup, around and around and around in a counter-clockwise direction. It was only when she clinked the spoon against the side of the cup that he felt some of the fog in his head dissipate, the unexpected noise bringing him back to reality with a 'thunk'.

"I've found the best way to get along with Axel is to stay at least fifty yards away from him at all times, otherwise I start wanting to kill and maim small, fluffy animals."

"Now, now, you're not being fair. Axel's a very nice boy and I think he likes _you_, Roxas."

_No, Axel's just a crazy, off-his-rocker, out-of-his-tree, up-the-wall-and-down-the-road lunatic stalker. I have no doubt at all in my mind that he 'likes' me from the way he keeps mentally undressing me, but _I_ don't like _him_. Nu-uh. Not one bit._

"Tch. You're paid to look after us. Henceforth, you're paid to stick up for us."

Aerith blinked slowly, looking a tad hurt at the boy's careless analysis of her personality.

"You know that's not true, Roxas. I'd care about you all very much even if I didn't get any money for it."

Roxas sighed, watching as Aerith began her coffee-stirring antics once more.

"I'm sorry, I guess. I'm just so _tired _all the time and Axel isn't making it any better. Neither is the stress of having to look after a kid."

"Aren't you getting enough sleep again, Roxas?"

Enough_ sleep? How about roughly three hours per night? Not counting for all the times I fall asleep in class, of course. Then the average works out at something like one three hours and nineteen minutes._

"You could say that..."

Aerith sighed.

"Would you please try to get along with Axel, Roxas? _Please_? For my sake, for my china's sake, for Axel's sake, for Rikku's sake, and yes… even for_ your_ sake. Maybe if there's less hostility in the air you'll be able to shake this insomnia and the bad dreams."

"I don't think so."

Aerith picked up her cup and took a small sip, not flinching one bit despite the fact she had put in roughly seventeen sachets of sugar (Roxas counted the packets). "Then maybe..." she started again, blinking owlishly over the top of her cup, "you wouldn't mind going to see a doctor?"

Roxas flinced, face paled, fingers clenched as a series of painful, sepia-tainted memories ran through his head. If one was to lean in close enough to the distressed boy they might even have been able to see them through his comically large eyes.

_A doctor? Is she _crazy? _Doesn't she remember what happened last time with that creepy old man, Ansem something-or-other? Doesn't she remember how I went completely psycho on him and put my fist through a glass window? Doesn't she remember how it didn't solve a damn thing, only made it _worse! _Hell, it was his own fucking fault for asking me about my family, trying to blame it all on my past, talking shit... Didn't know what he was talking about. Aerith doesn't know what she's talking about, either._

_**And for the most part, neither do you.**_

_Fuck off!_

"Roxas?" Aerith blinked lethargically again, a small smile spreading across her lips. "I'll take that to be a no then."

Roxas' face flushed a rich cherry-red.

"Did I... Did I just say that last bit out loud?"

"Indeed. And, since you feel so strongly about it, the only other option you have is to do what I suggested and get along with Axel."

Of course, Roxas was unable to tell her those words had actually been directed towards the voice in his head (then she really _would _call a doctor), but he could at least try to argue back with his amazing wit and skill.

"Bu-"

"Goodbye, Roxas."

"Aerith-"

"It was nice talking to you."

"I do-"

"Out you go."

"You k-"

"See you later."

"Tho-"

"I know what you mean."

"So-"

"Well, I shan't keep you any longer."

"An-"

"Buh-bye."

"Ple-"

**Slam.**

Unfortunately, amazing wit and skill will get you nowhere in life if nobody's willing to listen to it.

"Awww God damnit," Roxas moaned, giving the wall a quick kick (just another dent to add to the multitude of others). "Why doesn't anybody ever take me seriously around here!?"

And then his phone went off.

'**You're the one I want to chase, you're the one I want to hold**-"

"Fuck you, Kairi!"

* * *

**a.n: updating again. ohmy, i must be quite mad. but i do love this story quite a lot, you know :D more axel/roxas bonding next chapter, along with a lot more **


	5. Back to Square One

**Happy Families**  
Chapter Five  
_Back to Square One_

* * *

"Wow! She's so cute and small and fluffy!" Sora twittered, his squealing marathon far outshining Kairi's sickening display that morning.

Jesus, his reaction to a pair of large, green eyes, a gap-toothed smile and long blonde hair was an embarrassment to the entire male species and it was making Roxas feel uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, and slightly worried for the rest of humanity. If the well-being of the world were to fall upon the shoulders of people like Sora some time in the future, God only knew what would happen.

Most likely a mass nuclear Armageddon.

On the other hand, the whole Rikku situation was so bizarre already he hadn't really expected it to go any other way. It seemed that everyone, male or female, was torn asunder by Rikku's undeniable cuteness and reduced to blubbering nit-wits.

Rikku, aged five-and-one-quarter; the harvester of brain cells, possibly even _more_ dangerous than a mass nuclear Armageddon.

"Thankee Sorwa," Rikku giggled, hamming up her 'Little Ms. Innocent' routine with a cute smile and a flutter of her long, silky eyelashes.

_She better be careful with those things_, Roxas thought darkly, s_he could poke someone's eye out. Or give Sora a coronary, judging by the way he's spazzing out._

And spazzing out he was indeed.

"Oh, you cutie-face, you!" he cooed as Sora the Demented Songbird (a copyright of the famous 'WTF? No seriously, WTF?' productions) dove onto the small girl, crushing her fragile bones in an over-enthusiastic, vice-like Hug of Death.

Roxas winced; a deaf person could've heard her spine crack in about twenty-three places from across the Atlantic Ocean. Roxas, on the other hand, was neither deaf nor across the Atlantic Ocean, and could her that sickening 'crrrrr-crack' as loud as a gun shot. The poor, poor child. Yet one more little girl to lose her innocence in the vicious turmoil that was life, the universe and Sora.

Roxas figured that out when he was three. And life went on.

"Sor-rwa..."

"Yes, Rikku?"

"Leh- lehgg..."

A gasp.

"Leehggooooo!"

"What is it, Rikku?" asked Sora worriedly, looking down at the blonde girl still clamped in his arms. "Are you hurt? Hungry? Sick? Sleepy? Do you have a fever? It's a fever, isn't it? Rikku?" Sora shook her shoulders. "Rikku?" Sora shook her shoulders again. "Rikku?!" Sora shook yet more violently, watching as the semi-conscious girl's head snapped back and forth like a bobble-head toy. "Oh my God, I've killed her!"

_I hope you're watching, Kairi. Watching as your precious boyfriend murders an infant with his own stupidity. Jesus, Axel was right - you really could catch the amount of brain cells this guy has with a thimble._

Roxas' left eye twitched slightly in annoyance - be it that he'd just recognised Axel had been right about something for once, thus completely destroying his personal philosophy and the one thing he truly believed in (a.k.a. Axel was stupid), or the knowledge that if he didn't halt Sora in his actions soon he'd end up with a very dead child on his hands (although then maybe he'd be able to take her corpse, throw it at Aerith's feet and go "I told you so").

"Dude," Roxas said sharply, tapping Sora on the shoulder. "Dude, let go of her. She's turning blue."

Sora blinked in a dazed, whacked-out manner (after meeting the boy Roxas had assumed he was a crack addict up until a few months ago when he finally realised Sora _always _acted like that) and looked down at Rikku worriedly. It was indeed as Roxas had said - the girl was so blue she could've passed as Violet Beauregarde in yet another remake of _Charlie and the Chocolate Factory_ easy as ABC, 123.

"Oh my God, I really _have _killed her!" Sora cried, his 'Oh-My-God'-o-meter switching from 'Oh my God what the hell have I done?' to 'OMGZZZZZ I'M A MURDERER PANIC PANIC PANIC!'.

The 'subtle' transition between phases would've been comical if Sora hadn't been so damned annoying.

Roxas sighed.

He seemed to be doing a lot of that lately.

"Hey, Sora," a mysterious 'Voice' suddenly cut in, making both boys jump in alarm (Rikku let out a pained little whine as her head was jerked violently into the front of Sora's shirt, and then became mute and lifeless once more).

All eyes (even Rikku's glazed over ones) turned to look at the mysterious 'Voice' that seemed to be attracted to a mysterious 'Boy'. A mysterious boy with long silver hair that constantly covered his eyes ("It's to hide his rivers of eternal pain and torment," Kairi had said once. And then, after Roxas shot her an incredulous look, she had snorted and said, "Well no, not really. His fangirls just thinks it makes him look more appealing if he keeps walking into walls."), more black clothing than one could shake a stick at, a cocky smirk that clearly read 'I Think I'm The Sexiest Thing That Was Ever Born, Ever' and a 4.0 GPA.

Riku.

Riku, who was always the _best _at everything; soccer, school, getting girls, going to wild parties, getting drunk at aforementioned wild parties, getting girls while getting drunk at aforementioned wild parties, and walking into walls due to his ridiculous haircut, thus making his fangirls swoon (because having no sense of direction and purpley-bluey bruises all over one's face was apparently 'hot'.)

Riku, who was so freakishly perfect it had made Roxas wonder on several occasions if he wasn't an alien or a test tube baby or something.

Riku, who was the only person on the planet who could get Sora to put Rikku down.

It was probably the first time in his life Roxas had been glad to see the arrogant, stuck-up asshole, and would most likely the last.

"Riku! Ohmygawd, Riku! Riku, I've... I've... I've _killed_ her!" Sora cried in desperation.

Roxas sighed once more, wondering absent-mindedly how many times he'd done that today. About one-hundred-and-seventy-three times, maybe?

"Sora," Riku drawled, as if he had all the time in the world and a young life wasn't at steak here. "The girl is far from dead. If you'd just stop crushing her you'd see she is very much alive. Now put her down and come play blitzball with me'n Kairi."

"What? Really?" Sora asked, tentatively letting go of the squealy blonde. He watched as the sickly blue flush evaporated off her skin and her breathing became normal once more. In roughly 6.2312 seconds she had pinged back from her up close and personal encounter with the Grim Reaper like an elastic band, all smiles and sunshine again.

_Geez... Is she made of rubber or something? _Roxas thought, staring as Rikku called Sora an 'ass' (a word obviously picked up from Axel) and then grinned cutely, sticking her tongue out.

"Riku, she... She's not dead..." Sora sighed, his eyes filling with tears. "Rikku! I'm so glad you're okayyyyyy!"

"Arrggghh!"

**Crunch.**

"Lehh...lehh..ehhgggooo!"

"Rikku, whats wrong? Oh my God, I've killed her!"

"Sora, put her down!"

"But she's turning _blue_!"

Roxas groaned and hit his forehead with his hand.

Back to square one again...

Where the hell was Axel when you needed him?

* * *

"Sooooo... You're saying I'm definitely going to be spending more time with the blondie?" asked Axel, surveying Aerith with his eyeliner'd eyes, the little triangles beneath each one smudged slightly. It was nay impossible to keep such make-up perfect after a gruelling day of school, exams, water pistols and a sugar-high Demyx all hyped up on cheap candy necklaces.

"That is correct," Aerith replied, stirring her fifth cup of coffee that day (**fifth!** And she'd probably gone through at least - if Axel's amazing Maths skillzz were to be failing him now - sixty-three sachets of sugar. Only Roxas and Demyx could ever ingest that much crap and _live_. Axel vaguely wondered about the woman's new eating habits, but decided to let it slide. Looking after all the kids she did would've taken a toll on anyone, especially an anyone who was as petite and delicate in frame as Aerith.)

"But... Why? I know the kid hates me, you know the kid hates me, what's the point? It's just going to end in tears."

"If you don't want to get closer to him then what's the point in all your senseless teasing?" Aerith countered the question with a question of her own, something she always chastised people for if they tried it out on her. She _was _a woman, after all, and they were designed to be hypocritical - Kairi was a living testament to that. "I know you, Axel. I know you only irritate him to start conversation, to get him to notice you, to maybe... Become friends? Isn't that what you want?"

Axel shifted slightly in his seat, wincing as he realised just how uncomfy he was. Although maybe it was due more to Aerith's steady gaze and her cross-examination of him rather than the chair. It was unsettling, almost as though she was peeling open the skin on his scalp, scrabbling away at his skull with her nails and peering down at his pulsating brain that lay stewing in its own juices.

That gaze was a gaze that said 'I Know What You Did Last Summer' and countless other things that made the red-head squirm.

_Just how much _does _she know, exactly?_

"Yeah, I guess I want to get on with him. I mean, it would be nice not to get punched in the face every five seconds."

"Exactly," Aerith nodded. "And most beneficial for me and my china plates."

Axel tilted his head, noticing for the very first time the cup she was holding daintily in her hand had a big crack running down it. Probably from his close encounter with that cabinet in the morning, Axel noted.

Or maybe it was from that time Tidus lost his Frisbee and decided to use the crockery as a replacement, it was hard to tell.

"I already told Roxas he was to help you look after Rikku," Aerith continued sagely, taking another sip of her over-bearingly sweet coffee. "Hmn, he took it... He took it quite well, when option B was another trip to the hospital. He really didn't get along very well with that Ansem man."

Axel blinked, the sadist within the pink-clad, sweetly-smiling, coffee-drinking woman seeming to emerge forth in a cloud of darkness with much maniacal laughter.

_Wow… I guess there's an inner Kairi in everyone..._

"So... We're definitely looking after her together now? Geez, I thought he'd never accept the whole thing, seriously."

"I can be quite persuasive," Aerith replied with a small smile. "Anyway, I know how much the boy means to you."

"I... Uh... Heh heh..." Axel grinned sheepishly, a red flush spreading slowly across his face.

Aerith sighed, surveying the red-head as the blush claimed all his previously pale skin. Coupled with his red hair, it looked a bit like somebody had struck a match under him.

"Although... I don't really want to tell you, but there's no way around it. I..." Aerith ripped open another sachet of sugar (_where the hell was she_ getting it all?_ Did she raid Roxas' room or something?_) and added it to her already saturated coffee. "I... I have to let you know. I can't just put it off because it'll be even worse when you finally find out… And… Well, Axel, you getting close to Roxas wasn't... Well, it wasn't the only reason I made you look after Rikku. The Roxas thing was just an added bonus I decided to tack on to make our lives a bit easier. But, well..."

Axel blinked; slightly alarmed by all the ellipses that had invaded Aerith's speech and stretched out the garbled half-sentences so it was hard to gauge any meaning from them. "What, Aerith?" he asked, voice hushed as he leant forwards over the table-top.

"Well, Axel... The truth about all this... The truth is... Rikku is…"

It could truly have been a peaceful moment of understanding between the two of them. The fog could've been cleared and true enlightenment could've been gained. A secret could've been shared and strengthened their bond, or shattered Axel's world and sent it flying into oblivion.

Anything could've happened at that moment if it hadn't been for a sudden;

**CRASH!**

"Holy fuck!"

"So-_rraaaa_!"

"Geez man, Kairi can aim a blitzball better than you!"

"Hey, are you calling me weak?!"

"Um, nooo-"

"Sexist Bastard!"

Bitch-slap!

"Owwww."

"Sora!"

"Aerith…"

"We're going to have a little talk!"

"Kairi, don't take it so personally!"

Bitch-slap!

"My FACCEEE!"

"Sora, get in here now!"

_Gulp._

"Oops… Hehehe... Sorry, guys..."

And a blitzball through the window.

Axel blinked and turned to look at the aforementioned ball as it crashed into the back wall and rebounded into his bony stomach, and then looked up to see a mush of brown spikes that could only be Sora Joel Osment peering at the scene of carnage inside Aerith's office with a worried expression on his face.

"Sora," Axel growled, a sharp burst of intense agony shooting through his lanky body at something akin to 300 mph.

"Uh... What, Axel?"

Axel glared.

"You better start running."

* * *

**a.n: poor sora DX it's not his fault he's a cretin. btw, i only keep writing this because lamatikah won't let me stop. she is scary like that...**


	6. That Was Stupid

**Happy Families**  
Chapter Six  
_That was stupid_

* * *

Roxas' pale skin glowed a sickly white as he stared intently at his laptop, all other sources of light in his and Zexion's joint bedroom turned off.

(The bedroom situation in the house was pretty chronic and everybody had to share. Out of everybody Axel was probably the worst off, considering he had been paired with Kairi. It was always strange going into their room considering Kairi's half was neat and ordered and Axel's half was... Well, to be kind, it looked like a bomb had hit it. Not that this bothered Roxas too much considering he never went in their room, due to the fact that Axel and Kairi were joint number one on his list of 'People I Loathe And Detest'. Seifer came a pretty close second with Fuu, Raii, Riku, Sora, Wakka, Selphie, Tidus, Zexion, Aerith on occasions, all Axel's friends, all Kairi's friends, all his teachers and that random hobo that lived in the park not too far behind. Yes, Roxas hated a lot of people, but was it really his fault that a lot of people were so damned annoying?)

Zexion, the reclusive emo-kid with the lilac hair, had gone upstairs straight after coming home and neither hide nor hide of him had been seen for the rest of the afternoon. This didn't bother Roxas too much either - he'd gotten used to the boy going out and coming back in the early a.m.s of the morning, and they had a little deal going between the two of them. Roxas wouldn't rat out Zexion to Aerith if he returned the favour and didn't tell the woman the boy often stayed up on the computer as late as 5 a.m. Sometimes 6, if he was having a particularly riveting IM conversation with one of his numerous penfriends around the world.

It was sort of ironic, really. Roxas had lots of friends out there on the big scary internet, but in real life? Forget it.

Then again, it was a lot easier to deal with people when they were millions of miles away, tucked safely away behind a flashing screen.

He couldn't imagine Paine ever trying to steal his eyeliner or Leon saying, quite bolt out of the blue one warm summer's morn, that all of a sudden he was the mother to a young girl and wasn't he happy-happy-happy despite the fact he didn't have a womb?

No, Paine and Leon were safe to talk to. Safe, because he'd never meet them and, therefore, they couldn't hurt him.

"Hi, Zexion," Roxas greeted, expert ears tuned in to the subtle sounds of the door closing above the steady, monotonous sounds of his languid keyboard-mashing. He typed at roughly 87 words per minute (according to a test Paine had sent him once), and he was damn proud of it.

"Roxas," Zexion replied in acknowledgement, stumbling into the room in such a way he could've snapped up in a part in a horror film for a soul-sucking zombie in a heart beat. Roxas wouldn't have been alarmed if he'd started to flail his arms around going 'brrraaainnnssss'. Roxas was well aware Zexion had his quirks and if eating human flesh at the dead of night was one of them, he'd just let him get on with it.

It was a lot easier just keeping out of other people's stuff.

Although, now he thought about it, the zombie theory would explain what Zexion was doing every night... Hmn...

Roxas shrugged, and turned to focus on his laptop once more.

**Lionheart239: Hey, Roxas.**

**crimzoneyez: Same here.**

**0blivi0nXIII: Hi Leon & Paine.**

**0blivi0nXIII: I was w/my room mate back then btw.**

**crimzoneyez: Oh? You mean the 'emo' kid you talk about sumtimes?**

**0blivi0nXIII: Yeh lol.**

**Lionheart239: So did u have a good day?**

**crimzoneyez: yh, what was the super-important thing u had 2 tell us?**

**0blivi0nXIII: Well... ...**

**crimzoneyez: Hurry up I'm a busy woman!**

**0blivi0nXIII: ...**

**0blivi0nXIII: …**

**0blivi0nXIII: I have a kid.**

**crimzoneyez: wtf??**

**Lionheart139: Woah... That was sudden.**

**crimzoneyez: who's the lucky girl? Is it that Kairi u talk about sumtimes? The girl & i quote with 'the ego that is only bigger thn her ass'.**

**0blivi0nXIII: Its not a girl, its a boy. that axel kid I've told u about before. Who is 1 of my worst enemys.**

**crimzoneyez: ...**

**Lionheart139: Jesus, fail bio. did you? You know that's not possible!**

**crimzoneyez: sounds like 1 of those stupid yaoi manga things that yunas always reading.**

**crimzoneyez: or fanfiction.**

**crimzoneyez: btw, yuna finished with that new video game she has so I can borrow it now & tell u about it, leon :)**

**0blivi0nXIII: Well sadly it's true!**

**0blivi0nXIII: Shes not my real blood kid or anything tho, she's just a new kid aerith adopted. BUT STILL!!**

**0blivi0nXIII: That means i still hav e2 spend time with axel when i could be using that time for, you know, watching tv or something. **

**Lionheart139: Woa. tough break, man.**

**Lionheart139: I remember when I had 2 do that child development thing with Yuffie in sex ed once. It was torture.**

**crimzoneyez: but in the end didnt u end up being her boyfriend by the end of it or something??**

**Lionheart139: ... yea.**

**0blivi0nXIII: OMG! axel is going to want to make me his bf!**

**Lionheart139: Noo, that was only in Yuffie's case cuz she's really obsessive.**

**0blivi0nXIII: OMG! Axel is obsessive over me!! He keeps trying to molest me and stuff!**

**0blivi0nXIII: My life is over DX**

**crimzoneyez: don't worry roxas, im sure we'll think of some way 2 help u.**

**0blivi0nXIII: nd i have 2 go out with him and rikku (aka our baby) tomorrow as well! what should i do??**

**crimzoneyez: um... i could ask yuna but shed just say 'sex' so... yea...**

**0blivi0nXIII: ...in the PARK? in front of a 5 YR OLD GIRL? IS YUNA CRAZY?!**

**crimzoneyez: Affirmative.**

**Lionheart139: I just asked yuffie for sum advice 2 give you.**

**0blivionXIII: WHAT DID SHE SAY?!**

**Lionheart: & i quote: 'spazzyninjagurlyay: if you liek him that much then go 4 it sistah!'**

**0blivi0nXIII: ...**

**crimzoneyez: what?**

**0blivi0nXIII: i wish i was dead DX**

**0blivi0nXIII: ...**

**0blivi0nXIII: and i am NOT A GIRL!**

* * *

"Up bright and early, eh, Roxas?" asked Axel sunnily, giving the blondie a jovial thump on the arm that was meant to be friendly. Instead it sort of hurt.

_I'm going to have a big bruise there tomorrow_, the boy thought dully. He mused over retaliation - maybe the teen's spine needed more bonding time with the china cabinet? - but eventually thought better of it. It wasn't worth it, especially considering if Aerith's plan to get them closer together failed, he'd end up at the hospital. Again. And, not exactly jumping at the chance to renew acquaintances with the creepy Dr. Ansem, he let it slide. Just this once.

"I am only up bright and early considering I did not get any sleep at all last night. I have been up since 1 a.m.," Roxas informed Axel icily, watching as Rikku tied her multi-coloured orange-and-lime-green shoelaces at the bottom of the stairs. "I am running very low on energy and on sugar - the only things I have left are some old pieces of gum and a half-eaten bag of sour skittles - so I'd advise you very strongly not to irritate me or I won't be responsible for my actions."

Axel frowned and bit his lip at those words, looking up at the ceiling (very interesting, that ceiling – peeling wallpaper and dry rot was very fashionable in France, didn't you know?)

"Um... Roxas... About that whole irritating you thing?" Axel asked sheepishly, still examining the slightly damp, dog-eared wallpaper. Hmn, and there was a patch of mushrooms up there in the right-hand corner… What an interesting design aspect! Maybe they could grow potatoes and parsnips up there as well…

"What? What have you done _this_ time? Sold my nail polish for a croissant? My liver for an ice-cream? My soul for some chewing gum?"

Axel blinked, looking at Roxas quizzically. "Roxas has nail polish?"

"Probably won't have it for very long now I've told you, will I?"

"Oh, you girl," Axel grinned, affectionately ruffling Roxas' luxuriant, golden, silky-smooth, strawberry-smelling tresses.

"Get off," Roxas hissed, throwing the boy's hand off him. "You remember that whole 'no bugging me thing'? Well you were doing it just then. Now what's the thing you want to tell me?"

But before the red-head could tell Roxas, there was a loud scream of "HIIIII GUUUYYYZZZ!" from somewhere above their heads.

Roxas looked up in alarm and caught an eyeful of strawberry-coloured hair and flailing limbs speeding down the stairs at the pace of a cheetah on steroids and energiser drink. He then looked down in an equal amount of alarm to see Rikku still perched precariously on the third step from the bottom, her tongue sticking out of the corner of her mouth and shoelaces all tangled around her fingers, mumbling "the bunny goes around the tree and ducks through the loop…"

It was then that Roxas did something very, very stupid and very, very un-Roxas-like.

"Rikku!" He cried, brain screaming; _She'll be killed! She'll be killed! She'll be run over by Kairi, crushed into cubes and sold on the black market! Oh my God! Oh my god oh mygodohmygawwdspazzout!!1!1!!1!!11! _And, with those thoughts in mind, the boy dove forwards heroically a la Superman (the only thing missing was the cape) and pushed the blonde girl out of the way.

There was a few squeals from Rikku ("owwie! my arm!"), a few loud swear words from Kairi ("aurgh, you BASTARD! What the fuck?!") and a few moans of pain from Roxas ("OWWWW! KAIRI, YOU SPAZZ-FACE!") and the poor blond boy was bowled over down the stairs, playing the pin to Kairi's ball, coming to land in a messy heap of bruises and (probably) broken bones in the middle of the hallway.

"You asshole," Kairi snorted, brushing imaginary pieces of lint off her colour-co-ordinated, pink-and-black mini-dress studded here and there with random zippers and pockets. "Like I would've _really _knocked Rikku over. Who do you take me for? _You_?"

"Ow... Fucking hell, my arm..." Roxas moaned, a pout to end all pouts on his pretty lips, face all contorted up with pain.

"Roxas?" Axel blinked uncertainly, folding up his lanky legs like twin deckchairs so he could lean closer to the writhing boy on the floor. "Roxas, are you OK?"

"What do _you_ think, genius?" Roxas asked bitterly. "Jesus, that was dumb..."

"Yeah, it was rather," Axel agreed. "But... If you did it because you were worried about Rikku, then it was sweet as well."

"What?! I didn't do it because I was worried about _her_, I did it because... Because..." Roxas blinked, turning to look at the little girl who was sat with her arms wrapped around her knees, one of which was bruised slightly.

Roxas' heart melted instantly.

"Oh, screw it, you're right! I did it because I was worried about her, OK? Are you happy now?!"

Axel smiled a little at the words, and then held out his hand to the agonised boy, helping him up.

"Yeah... Yeah, I'm happy now."

Kairi made a mock vomit noise.

"So was that what you were going to tell me?" asked Roxas, glaring at the female red-head with a look that could've brought about fifteen nuclear winters in one fell swoop. "That _she _was coming with us?"

"Well, not quite..."

"What? How could _anything _be more annoying than Kairi?"

"Er..."

"Hi, guys!"

Roxas' face blanced.

"Oh no... You didn't..."

Axel laughed nervously.

"Hehe... Um... Hi, Sora."

* * *

**a.n: lawlz all round. i wrote this a while ago, just touched it up now and decided to post yay :D my first update since i went to the hospital to get my appendix removed. it was pretty nasty & i got 24 staples in my stomach D:**


	7. Such a Pushover

**Happy Families**  
Chapter Seven  
_Such a Pushover_

* * *

All the while during the odd ensemble's (odd ensemble including one scantily-clad yet undeniably pretty girl who was popping bubbles with some strawberry gum; two middle-sized boys with fly-away hair, one which who was insane and one of which who was not; one teeny, tiny little child in mis-matching socks chasing candy wrappers on the pavement; one lamp-post sized male with hair like ketchup and a lop-sided smile) walk to the park, Roxas had been lying to himself.

His hands had been in his pockets, head to the floor, watching his shoes.

Slap, slap, slap they went against the concrete, and buzz, buzz, buzz went his brain, humming steadily like a heartbeat.

Aerith had always brought him up to believe that lying was wrong (and his biological parents before her, presumably. Roxas was still hazy on the details) yet he couldn't _help _it. Lying was much easier than admitting the truth; a form of escapism, almost.

Naminé had her drawings and Kairi had her parties and Axel had his firelighter and Sora had his blitzball games (member of the school team, don't'cha know?) and Roxas…

Roxas had his _lying_.

Really, he reasoned with himself, it would be cruel and unjust to take away Naminé's drawings and Kairi's parties and Axel's firelighter and Sora's blitzball because they loved them so much. And it _was _a love, deep-rooted like the foundations of a house; take them away and they would eventually collapse.

Their eyes even seemed to sparkle while engaging in such activities – a truly sickening sight.

And so, comforted by this slightly warped logic (because lying wasn't really the same as art or socialising or sport or even burning things) he continued to feed himself lie after lie. Almost like an impatient school kid feeding pieces of munny through the slot of the school vending machine trying, in vain, to get a carton of orange juice between English and Math class.

Both of their efforts were proved fruitless, though – in the end Roxas would get no comfort from his dishonesty, much like the irritated kid would get no calcium-fortified, artificially-flavoured juice, so what was the point in even _trying_?

_This will be okay… _Roxas thought, examining his shoe-laces. _This will all be good and merry and joyful and…_

…

_Did Axel just brush his hand against my leg?_

"Don't touch me, Axel."

"Why not?"

"Because you smell of dead things."

"I found a burnt squirrel in his wardrobe yesterday," Kairi chipped in, accompanying her words with a few more token pops of her gum. "It _stank_."

"I had nothing to do with the untimely death of that squirrel!"

"Suurreee you didn't, you pyromaniac."

"It was the squirrels own fault! It shouldn't have been in my wardrobe to begin with!" Axel cried, raising his hands to his face as though that would shield him from Kairi's wrath.

Still, despite his fervent reassurances, Roxas couldn't help but agree with Kairi. The boy _did_ seem to exhibit signs of zoosadism, and no amount of wild arm-waving could change that.

"And neither should those firelighters," Kairi countered, the argument between the two redheads easily comparable to a particularly vicious tennis match – one person hit the ball, and the other immediately hit it back with a swing harder than before.

"That's something else altogether."

"Yes. _That_ 'something else' would make Aerith have a heart-attack."

"…I just reeaalllyyy don't like squirrels," Axel mumbled after a while, kicking the concrete beneath his feet. "So what if it just sort of _happened_ to catch me in a bad mood and I just sort of _happened_ to set it on fire? Stuff like that can happen to anyone, you know?"

"True. Odd how it always seems to happen to _you_ most of all, though," Kairi muttered in disbelieving tones, popping her gum over and over; pop, pop, pop.

Roxas winced.

"I like squirrels," Rikku giggled inanely, finger in her mouth, adorable mannerisms enough to turn even in Maleficent – self-proclaimed 'Mistress of All Evil' – into goo. "They're cute and have fluffeh tails!"

"Squirrel? Where?!" Sora cried, looking around wildly.

(Incidentally, on the street he found an empty paper bag, a skittles wrapper, several pot-holes in the road, an over-flowing trash can and a couple of people walking their dogs, but no squirrel.)

_Hell yeah, this is going to be juussttt fine._

_**You keep telling yourself that, Roxie old boy. Better be careful, though – all the denial might give you wrinkles!**_

God, even his own mind was against him on this one. Then again, one of Aerith's personal philosophies – the one she had always told the kids over a nice cup of warm milk and some oatmeal cookies – was 'always hope for the worst'. That way, the woman had been fond to explain, whenever something really _good _happens, you'll be even more grateful for it.

"Whoooooo! We're here!" Sora cried jubilantly, thumping Roxas on the back with all the force of an articulated lorry.

"Ow…"

As it was, Roxas had _nothing_ to be grateful for.

Instead, he morosely cast his eyes towards their final destination, adapting the sorrowful air of one walking up the gallows.

The dirty sign a little way up the road read 'PUBLIC PARK. NO LITTERING'. Or at least, the sign _used_ to say 'PUBLIC PARK. NO LITTERING'. Now it said 'PUBIC ARK. NO PLZ LITTER', courtesy of some cheap spray-on paint and a complete disregard for the environment. Several people had also decided to take the new instructions seriously, if the amount of sea-salt ice-cream wrappers dancing around in the breeze were anything to go by.

_Children today think they were so witty..._

"Come on, Sorwa! I'll race you!" Rikku cried, running forwards with her little chibi-like arms outstretched. "See ya later, looooosssseeerrr!"

"What? No way!" Sora cried, hot on her multi-coloured heels.

Kairi laughed a little, tilting her head to see the tall brunette and short blonde dash through the park gates, random pieces of trash speared atop the fancy Victorian railings, twitching slightly like not-quite-dead-but-slowly-dying bugs on a car windscreen.

"Heh. Children," she said in an aloof manner, as if she were a million light-years away from Sora (who, in reality, was actually a good 54 days older than her. The calendar said so).

"You're _younger_ than Sora, Kairi," Roxas pointed out, watching as the boy tripped over his large, clown-sized yellow shoes and landed in a heap of arms, legs, heads and bruises.

Kairi shrugged, popping another bubble. Roxas winced yet again, resolving to invest in a pair of earphones if he was going to be around the red-head whilst she popped her gum. To add salt to the wounds, Roxas _also _happened to be running very low on sleep and sugar, two things he was absolutely dependent on. The sugar more than anything else.

"Whatever, Roxanne. Just because he's older don't necessarily mean he _acts _it."

Well, there was some truth in that, judging by the way Sora was flailing around on the floor with his face contorted up into an almighty 'DX' of eternal agony.

"Think you better go and nurse him back to health, Kai?" Axel grinned, nudging Kairi in the ribs.

"Oh please," Kairi 'pfft'd, rolling her eyes – lined, yet again, in _Roxas'_ eyeliner. God, it wasn't like Kairi was even intentionally trying to piss him off this tim- No, wait. Judging Kairi's character, yes, it was _highly_ likely she was trying to piss him off. Go figure. "Sora's like Tigger. He'll be up again in a few seconds, you watch."

Obediently, Roxas and Axel watched, staring a little as the boy bounced back to his (over-sized) feet like a spring. In a matter of seconds he had shaken the worst of the dirt off his clothes and was already running after Rikku, thundering along with elephant's footsteps.

"Told you."

"Hrmn."

* * *

"Can we go on the swings first?!"

"Okay."

"No, wait! I wanna go on the slides!"

"Okay."

"NOOOOO, WAIT! I wants to go on the _climbing frame_!"

"Okay."

"Or…" _Giggles_. "Maybe I'd rather go on the swing first after all!"

Roxas growled, joints in his arm already beginning to tire. Rikku, doe-eyed and petite as she was, was proving to be a real pain. And, if I wished to take the time to inject some well thought out humour in this paragraph, the previous statement was quite literal. Roxas _was_ in pain, wincing a tad as the little girl tugged mercilessly on his arm. He thought he might understand her demonic pulling if there was something truly _exciting _going on, like a public execution or a witch burning. Alas, those days were long since gone (a shame, really, because that meant setting fire to Kairi was illegal). However, there were no guillotines or burning corpses.

As an alternative there were rusty swing sets, some of which were looped over the top bar. There were a few slides, dirty and graffiti'd, one covered in baked-on eggs. There was a climbing frame, piercing the grey blue sky as it hovered, ominously, over the park. There were also a few beer bottles strewn here and there, some kicked-about park benches and some piles of rubbish, all littered _around_ the trash cans, but not actually _in_ them.

But there was still nothing of _interest _there.

Certainly nothing to warrant the separation of Roxas' arm and shoulder, at any rate.

"No, Roxas, I think I'd rather go on the round-a-ma-bout instead!" Rikku declared, dragging Roxas behind her like a rag doll.

Roxas blinked.

"There's a round-a-bout?"

"Yeah, stupid!" the blond girl chirruped, gesturing to said round-a-bout.

_Holy cow… _Roxas mused, not even sure why the cow was so holy in the first place. Nevertheless, he pressed on with his eternal train of inner monologues (talking to himself was the only way to be assured of decent conversation). _That… That _thing _(I refuse to call it a round-a-bout) is covered with so much dirt I wouldn't let a plague-bearing rat sit on there, let alone a young girl!_

"I'm sorry, I must have missed the round-a-bout under all the filth."

"Awww, that's okay! I know you have mental disabilities 'nd shizz."

"…What?"

"Axel told me I shouldn't be too hard on you," Rikku said apologetically, tracing shapes on the floor with the tip of her shoe – an R, an I, a K, a K and a U. RIKKU. "He says it's not your fault if you act stupid, it's just how you were born. I'm sorry. Being dropped on your head must hurt a lot."

Roxas' eye twitched, attempting to hold his fury in. At least, until his mouth opened.

He failed rather epically after that.

"Axel said _what?!_ I'm gonna kill him, that fucking bastard! I'll pull out both his stupid eyes and use them as marbles and then I'm gonna squish them into _pulp_ and make lemonade with his innards and then… And then…"

And then he paused, a grain of common sense filtering through the barrier of rage that had formed around his brain. He wasn't going to kill Axel after all, mainly because…

"Where the hell is he, anyway?!"

Rikku hummed, clacking her tongue against the roof of her mouth. "Went tah get ice-cream with Kairi and Sora."

"What?! He goes swanning off to God knows where to get ice-cream-"

"He went to the shop at the end of the road, actually."

"Whatever," Roxas snorted, waving Rikku's four-year-old knowledge aside with a flippant shake of his hand. "He goes swanning off to the shop at the end of the road to get ice-cream and leaves me here all by myself! The stupid _bastard-_"

"Awww, it's not that bad. I'm sure he'll gets some ice-cream for you as well."

Roxas paused, wondering whether to go into another rant about how he didn't want any of Axel's _fucking _ice-cream (but his free-falling sugar levels stated otherwise) and didn't want to look after a _fucking _four-year-old (even though she was quite sweet, really), but bit his tongue.

It might have been Rikku's pout...

…

It was _definitely _Rikku's pout.

Damn, he was going _soft_.

"Yehs, he'll got you lots 'nd lots of ice-cream 'cuz he likes _youuuu_."

"Likes annoying me, perhaps."

"Yeah, that too," Rikku agreed, clacking the heels of her shoes against the round-a-bout. "So are you gonna push me now?"

Roxas froze, staring as the girl slowly began to lower herself into a sitting position.

_Sitting_.

Sitting on that _disgusting_, _worm-ridden_, _drink-spill-covered_, _litter-strewn_ piece of **crap**!

"No!" Roxas cried, making Rikku pause, looking bemused. "Ah… Um… _Don't _sit down on that, you'll get all grimy and horrible."

"But I can't stand _up_!" Rikku squeaked indignantly, rolling her eyes as if this was the most obvious thing in the world. "If I fall off I'll hurt myself and get all dirty 'nd Aerith will shout at youuuuu."

"You'll get dirty if you sit on that anyway," Roxas sighed, shrugging out of his jacket. _His favourite jacket_. His jacket with all the cool zippers and pointless pockets that made him feel a special snowflake and all that jazz! Well, in the name of love and war some sacrifices had to be made.

He held the jacket up – and not just any jacket but, _The_ Jacket - with an air of martyrdom, watching as his 'daughter's' eyes lit up. "Put that on the bench and then sit on it so you don't get dirty, okay?"

"Yayyyy! I love you, Roxas!"

"And I _hate_ Roxas because he's such a pushover, so I guess that balances it all out."

* * *

Anybody who knew Marluxia Kando would tell you that he was a really _weird_ boy. Infact, several people had doubts that he even was a boy, although his gender was instantly confirmed as male every time he spoke in a voice _far _too deep for his general appearance.

His hair was pink (natural, he assured everyone) and it hung in luxuriant waves that shone when it caught the sunlight, his steely blue eyes were lined with curtains of thick, ebony lashes and a thick aroma of roses seemed to follow him at every step, but only because he worked part-time at a florist's, devotedly making corsages for proms and bouquets for funerals.

He certainly didn't _look _like the sort to work at a florist's, not with his regulation gothic 'uniform' of black, black and _more_ black, with maybe a few hints of sanguine and crimson thrown in for variation.

Rather, what with his paper-pale skin and bloodshot eyes, he looked more like the sort of person you'd find on a park bench either A) stoned, B) drunk, C) sucking people's blood or D), dead.

And, funnily enough, that was where Marluxia found himself that particular sunny morn; sat on a park bench. _However_, au contraire to what I said previously, he was not stoned, drunk, exhibiting signs of vampirism or dead.

He was merely _bored_.

Kicking cans about street corners grew tiresome after a while, and even spraying crude messages on signposts with his posse of 'omg we r gofs nut poserzz' (namely: Larxene Rieko and Saïx Sato) lost its appeal.

And now we appear to have run full circle and come right back where we started, mainly with the idea that Marluxia Kando was weird and Marluxia Kando was bored.

And, incidentally, Marluxia Kando was the sort of guy who'd insult little girls if he thought it was funny.

* * *

**a.n: ehehehe. sorry it took so long to update D:**


End file.
